Dear Jimmy

Dear Jimmy

I spent the last three hours researching the best way to care for you - how to tell when you need more water, the best environment for you to be in, when to move you into a bigger pot, how to water you properly, whether moss or bark is better for you, etc etc etc. My YouTube recommended videos are now full of orchid growing tips.

I even trawled Amazon to look for stuff for when I need to re-pot you - even though that probably won't be for another few months, because apparently it's bad to repot you while you're in bloom (see - I learned something!).

I'm sorry I can't really do anything about the sunlight, but I did order you some lovely plant treats.

If this isn't commitment, I don't know what is. So live, damn you, LIVE!

Love Mummy
(but not too much love, just in case you die soon)

A telephone conversation with an NHS nurse

Nurse: You'll have to make an appointment to see someone.
Me: Ok.
Nurse: But before you can make an appointment you will have to fill in a travel questionnaire.
Me: Ok, that's fine. Where do I get this form from?
Nurse: You'll have to come in and get it.
Me: Er... What? Can't you just send it to me?
Nurse: (laughs) No, darling, this is the NHS, we've got no money to spend to send things.
Me: (pause) but... it doesn't cost anything to email it.
Nurse: No we don't use such things.

Apparently email was invented in 1971. Congratulations, NHS. You're only 40 years behind the times.