Twiglets: the vilest snack ever made?

Last week I had the misfortune of eating a bag of Twiglets.

I was starving after my zumba class on Friday night and ducked into the Waitrose to get a snack for the tube ride home. After searching for the single pack crisps/snacks for ages, I finally found them below the sandwich fridge. I reach for the Walkers prawn cocktail when I spy something I'd not tried before. A bag of Twiglets.

Now those of you familiar with this snack will probably be thinking 'No, don't do it!', but since I do like trying new things I decided to buy these - they seemed healthy-ish and promised to be 'zingy' and 'crunchy' for 'all round sensual satisfaction'. Never did a snack sound sexier.

The Original Twiglets.

The black packaging probably should've given it away - any snack that looked like that probably tastes like liquorice or Marmite. For me, liquorice only tastes good in rope form and Marmite only when spread very thinly on bread or crackers, preferably with lots of cheese.

There's no mystery over the name of the snack - they look like little sticks with little nodules. So they look a little weird (maybe a bit like an arthritic witch's fingers), but they probably taste ok, right?

Inside the bag: little twigs

Wrong! I'd imagine this is what charcoal would taste like. Charcoal with a hint of burnt cheese. The first taste that hits you is pure bitterness. Bitterness that I paid good money for this bag of evil tasting things. More evil than brussel sprouts, but brussel sprouts don't pretend to be a tasty snack. Then a secondary flavour, like the taste of cheese that has been burnt onto a baking tray, which you prise off and put in your mouth because the bin is too far away. (That was probably the best tasting part.)

You'll notice the package says 'Original'. This is probably from the early stone age when fire was discovered and people ate the burnt out twigs that were left after the fires burned down. I'm sure they tasted just like that too.

So were they at least zingy and crunchy? Crunchy, yes. Zingy? There's more zing in a bowl of plain old porridge than in this little bag of vileness. As for all round sensual satisfaction, it did assault my sense of taste, were ugly little things and one of the damn things poked a hole in my upper palate, so while not satisfactory, it did try and get all my senses, including a visceral feeling of disgust that I ate the whole bag. I was hungry, ok?! I would've eaten a bag of charcoaly dry sticks - and did!

Zero Dark Thirty

Quick synopsis:
The story of how the CIA hunted down Bin Laden.
Starts with recordings of 9-11 911 calls, the filling contains lots of questioning and some torture and it ends with a beardy guy who is allegedly Bin Laden being shot dead. What's that you say? Spoiler? Oh come on, we all knew how this movie was going to end!

Verdict: This was actually a pretty decent movie. I wasn't sure I'd like it, given the nature of the content - I mean how on earth would someone make searching for Bin Laden seem entertaining? I thought it would've gone something like:
Soldier A: In this cave?
Soldier B: *looks inside* No, no there's nobody here.
Soldier A: Ok, let's move on to the next one. How about this one?
Soldier B: *looks inside* Naw, just some goats, man.
This would carry on for about 2 hours of movie time until
Soldier A: This one?
Soldier B: *looks inside* Nope, just some....wait a minute! There's a bearded man in there! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill!
*sounds of gunfire*
Soldier B: Oh man! It's not him, man. We've killed Gandalf!
 
Just as well I'm not a scriptwriter, eh?
Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't have high expectations, but I found myself being drawn in by this film, perhaps by its allusions to reality and I had to wonder how much of this film was fiction. The last 30 minutes focusing on the raid felt gritty and real, and I have to touch on the minor character of Hakim here, who is visibly affected by the death of the people in the house, even though he is on the "other side". He seems to be the only person with a conscience and who seems to register that people's lives have been taken without a second thought. I can't imagine what it must feel like to know that you have been a part of this attack on a household where parents are killed in front of their children. I like the fact that Bigelow has touched on this conflict and shown that things are not black and white and that the so-called protagonists are not always right. Rating: 8/10

Future cinema's Shawshank Redemption: an interactive experience

Last Saturday I spent the evening in prison. Even paid for the privilege. I probably wouldn't do it again and definitely won't be paying £50 for the experience!

It was all part of Future Cinema's (or Secret Cinema - they seem to be the same but operating under two different names - not sure, bloody confusing) interactive cinematic experience. The idea is you get to experience the movie and not just watch it. In this case the movie was Shawshank Redemption, hence the prison themed evening.

I was a little apprehensive, not knowing what to expect, but this video will give you an idea of what happened.

We were instructed to meet at Bethnal Green library (functioning as a courthouse) where we were ushered into a room, greeted by a sleazy lawyer (Slick Rick I think it was) and sent upstairs for a speedy sentencing (I got eight years for battery). At this point there was a lot of waiting as I guess there are only so many people they can fit on the prison bus. We eventually get told to line up by a verbally abusive prison guard (come to think of it just about everybody we encountered was verbally abusive) and are led, single file with hand on the person in front's shoulder, to the bus. This is vaguely reminiscent of primary school - constantly told to stay in single file and to shut up and stop giggling.

When we arrive at Oakhampton penitentiary, we are are sworn at some more and told to form lines grouped by body size, strip to our long johns/tights and vests and grab a bag of prison fatigues. I lose the rest of my group here and wonder if I will have to endure the rest of the evening on my own. We are then led, barefoot and in our undergarments, through freezing corridors and then through the prison showers (where a naked man was lying on the floor, presumably halfway through a good beating) to our cells.

After being allowed to put on our standard issue prison clothes, which was way too big for me, we were let out of our cells and led out to the prison canteen. Here things get a bit confused for me, as it seemed we were allowed to just wander around pointlessly for a while. At least I found my husband and his friend again, who seemed just as confused as I was. After a few "set pieces" - a rendition of Let Your Hammer Ring, a staged fight in the yard, which I missed, and an inmate uprising, we were again led single file, hands on our heads (there's that school thing again) to the hall where the screening of the movie took place.

The movie was great. The experience? I can't say it was enjoyable (is being incarcerated ever enjoyable?) but it was definitely unique and the actors were incredible and did an excellent job. Perhaps if the theme was different I would've enjoyed it more. Would recommend this if you had a tendency towards masochism. Otherwise just rent the DVD.

Why meh????

I really don't like people being near me.

Partly due to the germophobe in me, and partly because it's just blech! Sometimes people just smell - whether it is BO, that wet towel smell of washing not drying properly, or what I think of as "sick breath".

This is a problem on public transport. Especially during rush hour tubing, so I really have no choice but to sit next to the smelly/coughing/sneezing/filthy/chavvy weirdo on the Northern line.

But on less busy bus routes, I sometimes find a bus that is more than half empty. Hurrah! A place to sit! And to deter someone from sitting next to me, I place my bag on the seat next to me. Of course, being a good would-be citizen, if the bus suddenly became full, I would move my bag onto my lap to make space. I certainly would not choose to sit next to somebody when there are other spaces available where I could have a free seat next to me.

So WHY do people always INSIST on sitting next to me when there are double seats totally free???? WHY? Do I give off some strange pheremone enticing strangers to plonk their buttocks on the seat that my bag is clearly occupying?

I once tried ignoring the woman who wanted the seat next to me by pretending to be engrossed by the song title scrolling across my ipod screen. She steadfastly stood and stared at me until I took notice of her and grudgingly moved my bag. I could have just told her that there are plenty of other seats on the bus and I would feel much better if she just sat somewhere else, but she seemed to have a fixation on the seat next to me. Plus that would be impolite wouldn't it? I mean, would that be socially acceptable? I'm basically telling her to go away, and only sit next to me as a last resort. What is the correct etiquette? And how do I get people to sit far away from me without making myself smell like a tramp?

Django Unchained, The Hobbit, Dredd and The Life of Pi- a few plot summaries

So, here goes an attempt at summarising the plot of a few recently watched movies:

 

Django Unchained

German dentist cum bounty hunter (I love Christoph Waltz!) enlists the help of the slave Django in order to find some bad people and collect his bounty. In the process he gives him his freedom. They shoot a bunch of people - criminals mostly - collect some bounty and then go off to find Django's wife, who incidentally speaks German, and free her from slavery as well. More shooting and blood ensues. Jolly good!

Verdict: Hooray for Tarantino! I loved the clever dialogue and the stylised shoot 'em up scenes. The bad guys are also larger than life, making you almost cheer on their demise. Rating: 9/10

 

The Hobbit

Bilbo Baggins sets out with a bunch of dwarves (and that wiz with the pointy hat) to return them to their home and get rid of the dragon currently inhabiting it. Meets Gollum along the way and pretty much steals his ring. They run away from orcs and goblins.

Verdict: Wow, they really do know how to stretch out a story! Felt quite long, it was past the hour mark before they even set out on their journey. Not much happens here that we haven't already seen in Lord of the Rings, just different characters. You'll be fine to watch this at 2x speed. Rating: 7/10

 

Dredd

This is basically a Dredd version of The Raid but with weird sparkly 'under the influence of drugs' scenes and a telepathic almost-judge. Lots of shooting.

Verdict: The most exciting part of this movie was the opening when I recognised the concrete highway and discovered that it was indeed shot in South Africa (Jhb and Cape Town). Too bad it's such a rubbish movie. Watch The Raid, you'll see what I mean. Rating: 3/10

The Life of Pi

Pi is shipwrecked and floats about in a lifeboat with a tiger named Richard Parker for aaaaages.

Verdict: Despite critics giving this one rave reviews, I got bored after a while. Yes, it was entertaining for a while and there were some humorous and heartfelt moments, but I wanted to shout out for someone to rescue this boy so the movie could end! (Alternatively for him to drown, but since he is narrating the story, clearly this wasn't an option.) Maybe I should've watched it in 3D. Rating: 6/10