A John Lewis Christmas

I'm not a fan of Christmas. What? How can anybody not like Christmas? Simples, as a certain meerkat says. Let me elaborate.

1. It's not 12 days of Christmas, it's about 55.
Retailers start cranking the handle of the big Christmas machine as soon as the last money making holiday is over. On 31 October, as soon as the last customer buys their Halloween costume and the last bits of candy have been chucked at the children, all the spooky stuff is turfed from shop floors and supermarket aisles and in its place are overpriced tins of biscuits, tiny party food and tacky tinsel. Christmas has become so commercialised, and it's in your face, everywhere you go, for months! Gah!

2. Get off the streets, shoppers!
I work just off Oxford Street. Lucky me, you say? Not when I'm trying to get to the tube station to go home. The streets are choked with tourists and shoppers on a normal day. When Christmas comes a-knocking, it gets 10 times worse! People carrying thousands of gigantic shopping bags milling about on Oxford Street, seemingly in a zombie-like brainless state, not seeing where they are going, obviously, because they keep bumping into me!

3. Boney-M
Back home, during Christmas time, the shops and malls would all play Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas, Wham's Last Christmas (I actually used to like this song...) and Boney-M's entire Christmas album on a loop. Incessantly. I wanted to beat that little drummer boy black and blue with his little drumsticks pah-rum-pum-pum-pum.Over here, the Christmas songs are more likely to be from failed popstars in a desperate bid to wrench money away from a dwindling fan base. They are in all probability former X-Factor winners, aren't they, Leona? In any event, I find Christmas songs quite bland and uninteresting, except for this one by Blink 182. [Parental Advisory: Has lots of swear words. And pretty disgusting imagery. Don't click on the link if you are easily offended. You have been warned.]

4.  Didn't they show this last year?
Since everything is closed on Christmas day, many people resort to sitting on the sofa watching TV after stuffing their faces with a gigantic Christmas lunch (ok, so that part of Christmas is good). But there is nothing to watch except crummy Christmas movies. And they are sooooo rubbish! Jingle All the Way, the Santa Clause (apparently three volumes of this!), Deck the Halls.. Need I say more?

5. Piss off, you drunkard!
I don't care what people do at their Christmas parties, except that it inevitably involves getting shit-faced and having to navigate their way home on the tube. Which means I have to deal with the either belligerent or overly friendly (there is no in between) drunken fools and the spreading pools of vomit that end up on the floors of the train carriages. Sometimes it ends up on the seats too. Once, a little bit even landed up on my shoes (and a lot landed up on the shoes of the girl sitting opposite me).

6. Thanks for being ever so reliable, TFL and National Rail
Good luck getting anywhere during the holiday season - National Rail does its annual shutdown of various routes, just to engender some holiday season travel rage. Add to that the Christmas season strikes that tube drivers like to inflict on the general public. I'm sure this will happen again this year, as it's happened for the past three years running. Apparently, not only must they get paid double for working on boxing day, they must also get an additional three days off. Looks like I'm in the wrong line of work.

7. The Christmas present debacle
There's just no winning with this one. Too much pressure to get the perfect gift? What if they don't like what I've got them? What if they've already got one? Well, what we have done is to have everyone make a Christmas wish list. Perfect solution? Yes, except that the gift doesn't feel special anymore, because there's been no thought put into it. From a gift giver's point of view it becomes a grocery shopping list - a ticking off exercise. There is a little bit of joy taken away from giving these gifts, because the gift isn't from you. Yes, you bought it, but the thought for the gift didn't originate from you. You were merely a middle man delivering a package (ok, and paying for it, but assuming everyone spends roughly the same on everyone else, you are in effect a just middle man). From a receiver's point of view, well, your present will be just what you would've got yourself, isn't it? No wonderful surprises that touch your heart, but then again, no disappointments either. Just...nothing special. A shoulder shrug and a "meh".

So what's this got to do with John Lewis then?
After listing all those reasons for not liking Christmas, John Lewis has actually made me like it a teeny bit. How? By bringing a little magic to the public. Ok, maybe not "magic" but some very inventive store window displays that go hand in hand with their Bear & Hare Christmas campaign. (I think I am the bear. The idea of hibernating over the winter appeals to me very much!) The displays are innovative and wonderfully put together, using household goods to create animals. Here are a few snaps of their shop window, but if you are in London, take a (very slow, shambling) stroll to the Oxford Street John Lewis, where you can see it for yourselves (if you are daring enough to brave the shoppers).

Towel Turkey

Brush Cats and Lamp Dog

Brush/curling iron/razor Hares

The (cushion and wicker basket) Brown Bear

Gaming console Polar bear

Vacuum cleaner Dear

2.8 hours later - a zombie experience

Ok, I admit it. I am a zombiephile. I loved Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland and I'm addicted to AMC's show, The Walking Dead. Even my favourite Wii game was zombie-based, Resident Evil 4. But even better than that was taking part in 2.8 hours later.

What am I talking about, some of you may ask? Well, 2.8 hours later - the "city wide zombie chase game", as it's billed, is basically a massive game of tag, through the streets of the city, where you are chased by groaning/shrieking/shambling/sprinting zombies. More information here, or to view trailer, click here.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the closest thing you can get to a real zombie apocalypse without the occurence of a...well, a zombie apocalypse.

Aftermath of 2.8 hours later 2011

My first zombie experience was in 2011, which took place in the streets of Southwark - a tension filled evening, running away in terror from the undead lurking in multi-storey car parks (unbelievably creepy), pubs, and well, pretty much everywhere! I did quite well that year, only being caught in the kill zone (the last zone, filled with many, MANY zombies). It was intense, it was scary, it was thrilling, it was exhausting...and I loved it!

Would Halloween 2013 live up to the experience I had two years ago?

Well, to begin with, I was already walking around with a strained groin muscle (thanks to some overzealous stretching - I actually heard something pop/click...) so I knew I was going to be pretty useless running, but I was eager to see where the story would take us this year.

We started in an empty warehouse in Stratford, where we were checked for signs of infection, sprayed with decontaminant (mostly on my shoes??? come on, what help is that going to be?!) and told that we could enter the "safe city of London" - just go down the road to the Immigration office. Alas, when we got there we found out we didn't have the required documentation and so were meant to be ejected, but not before a helpful medic told us where we could find a friend of his that could organise fake IDs. Where? Wait for it...a multi-storey car park. Cue images of a dimly lit car park with flickering lights and narrow stairwells, and jumping down those stairs five steps at a time, chased by bloodthirsty zombies. Unfortunately, this time the car park was at mega shopping centre Westfields, and there were no zombies in the stairwell. Probably something to do with health and safety of players and the general public. Boo... We were sent to pick up medical supplies scattered across the car park - around which half a dozen zombies were shambling, of course. From there we were sent round the houses, encountering groups of zombies along the way, the most exhilirating section of which was running the gauntlet down the Greenway, where zombies were dotted all the way along this corridor. The final destination was the safe house, Asylum, where a zombie disco awaited us.

All in all, we had a good time, even though I was walking it by the end, thanks to my gammy leg (and needless to say got caught many times). However, I felt it was all so much less than 2011. Less scary, fewer zombies and zombie zones, the atmosphere less chilling and opressive too. There were too many busy places - the shopping mall, the busy roads and the long walks between zombie zones all detracted from the feel of it this year.

Zombie in the making

However, I did get another go at the game, this time as a volunteer zombie dressed in oversized overalls (apparently I used to be an employee of Alec Jarrett's meat processing plant), and it was so much more fun than I expected! It was immensely enjoyable chasing strangers round an industrial estate, jumping out from my hiding place in the bushes and shrieking at them before giving chase, in between ambling around with a floppy head and a pretend broken ankle. After being called "the chick from the Ring" a few times, I got pointed at by a slightly freaked out youth saying "Fuck! What is that?!" - highlight of my evening, I tell you. At the end of the night all us zombies managed to get a hold of the (actor) security guard and devour him in front of the last group of players. A great ending for a great night! I'd definitely do it again!

Giz a kiss!

Elysium

Ok, so I've been a bit lazy for the last few months and not posted anything new, but I did get halfway through this one a while back so I thought I would finish it before I started a new post. 

Elysium

I really wanted to like this movie. Given its South African links (reuniting director Neill Blomkamp and actor Sharlto Copley, both of whom did such a brilliant job on District 9) I was ready to proclaim this another "Proudly South African" product (like me!). Besides, this movie had a much bigger budget and more star power than District 9. How much could go wrong?

Well, a lot, apparently. First a quick synopsis: In the future all the rich people live in the sky (well, on a space station to be exact), while the poor people live on dusty, dirty, overcrowded Earth. The rich people also have this miraculous medical machine that heals everything but for some reason the rich don't choose to share that technology with the poor. Matt Damon plays one of the po' folk who needs the magic healing machine in the sky, but obviously the well-to-do don't want any dirty poor people on their space station so they try and keep them all out. Damon basically spends the movie trying to get to the machine while dying from radiation poisoning from a work mishap. Whatever happened to ridiculously patronising health and safety rules, eh?

I hate to say it, but Matt Damon was probably one of the very few good-ish things about this movie. Damon tries his best but it's not enough to save this movie - the writing is terrible and it shows in characters like Elysium's defence minister Delacourt (Jodie Foster) and Copley's mercenary Kruger. These villains are one dimensional and over the top, more like caricatures from a comic book than characters from a big budget movie, and completely unbelievable. 

I found it hard to care about any of the protagonists and also thought that there was a lack of chemistry between Damon and his love interest. Everything was just kind of bland.

Highlight of the movie for me was Kruger singing "Jan Pierewiet" to his captive on the plane/chopper/flying contraption, whatever it is (so I don't know my flying contraptions ok?!). Not because it was worthy of an X-factor audition, but because it's one of those things only South Africans would know about. Kind of like an inside joke. The action sequences are good, though and the part when Kruger's face gets blown off is also pretty cool.

Rating: 4/10

Dear Jimmy

Dear Jimmy

I spent the last three hours researching the best way to care for you - how to tell when you need more water, the best environment for you to be in, when to move you into a bigger pot, how to water you properly, whether moss or bark is better for you, etc etc etc. My YouTube recommended videos are now full of orchid growing tips.

I even trawled Amazon to look for stuff for when I need to re-pot you - even though that probably won't be for another few months, because apparently it's bad to repot you while you're in bloom (see - I learned something!).

I'm sorry I can't really do anything about the sunlight, but I did order you some lovely plant treats.

If this isn't commitment, I don't know what is. So live, damn you, LIVE!

Love Mummy
(but not too much love, just in case you die soon)

A telephone conversation with an NHS nurse

Nurse: You'll have to make an appointment to see someone.
Me: Ok.
Nurse: But before you can make an appointment you will have to fill in a travel questionnaire.
Me: Ok, that's fine. Where do I get this form from?
Nurse: You'll have to come in and get it.
Me: Er... What? Can't you just send it to me?
Nurse: (laughs) No, darling, this is the NHS, we've got no money to spend to send things.
Me: (pause) but... it doesn't cost anything to email it.
Nurse: No we don't use such things.

Apparently email was invented in 1971. Congratulations, NHS. You're only 40 years behind the times.

Twiglets: the vilest snack ever made?

Last week I had the misfortune of eating a bag of Twiglets.

I was starving after my zumba class on Friday night and ducked into the Waitrose to get a snack for the tube ride home. After searching for the single pack crisps/snacks for ages, I finally found them below the sandwich fridge. I reach for the Walkers prawn cocktail when I spy something I'd not tried before. A bag of Twiglets.

Now those of you familiar with this snack will probably be thinking 'No, don't do it!', but since I do like trying new things I decided to buy these - they seemed healthy-ish and promised to be 'zingy' and 'crunchy' for 'all round sensual satisfaction'. Never did a snack sound sexier.

The Original Twiglets.

The black packaging probably should've given it away - any snack that looked like that probably tastes like liquorice or Marmite. For me, liquorice only tastes good in rope form and Marmite only when spread very thinly on bread or crackers, preferably with lots of cheese.

There's no mystery over the name of the snack - they look like little sticks with little nodules. So they look a little weird (maybe a bit like an arthritic witch's fingers), but they probably taste ok, right?

Inside the bag: little twigs

Wrong! I'd imagine this is what charcoal would taste like. Charcoal with a hint of burnt cheese. The first taste that hits you is pure bitterness. Bitterness that I paid good money for this bag of evil tasting things. More evil than brussel sprouts, but brussel sprouts don't pretend to be a tasty snack. Then a secondary flavour, like the taste of cheese that has been burnt onto a baking tray, which you prise off and put in your mouth because the bin is too far away. (That was probably the best tasting part.)

You'll notice the package says 'Original'. This is probably from the early stone age when fire was discovered and people ate the burnt out twigs that were left after the fires burned down. I'm sure they tasted just like that too.

So were they at least zingy and crunchy? Crunchy, yes. Zingy? There's more zing in a bowl of plain old porridge than in this little bag of vileness. As for all round sensual satisfaction, it did assault my sense of taste, were ugly little things and one of the damn things poked a hole in my upper palate, so while not satisfactory, it did try and get all my senses, including a visceral feeling of disgust that I ate the whole bag. I was hungry, ok?! I would've eaten a bag of charcoaly dry sticks - and did!

Zero Dark Thirty

Quick synopsis:
The story of how the CIA hunted down Bin Laden.
Starts with recordings of 9-11 911 calls, the filling contains lots of questioning and some torture and it ends with a beardy guy who is allegedly Bin Laden being shot dead. What's that you say? Spoiler? Oh come on, we all knew how this movie was going to end!

Verdict: This was actually a pretty decent movie. I wasn't sure I'd like it, given the nature of the content - I mean how on earth would someone make searching for Bin Laden seem entertaining? I thought it would've gone something like:
Soldier A: In this cave?
Soldier B: *looks inside* No, no there's nobody here.
Soldier A: Ok, let's move on to the next one. How about this one?
Soldier B: *looks inside* Naw, just some goats, man.
This would carry on for about 2 hours of movie time until
Soldier A: This one?
Soldier B: *looks inside* Nope, just some....wait a minute! There's a bearded man in there! Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill!
*sounds of gunfire*
Soldier B: Oh man! It's not him, man. We've killed Gandalf!
 
Just as well I'm not a scriptwriter, eh?
Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't have high expectations, but I found myself being drawn in by this film, perhaps by its allusions to reality and I had to wonder how much of this film was fiction. The last 30 minutes focusing on the raid felt gritty and real, and I have to touch on the minor character of Hakim here, who is visibly affected by the death of the people in the house, even though he is on the "other side". He seems to be the only person with a conscience and who seems to register that people's lives have been taken without a second thought. I can't imagine what it must feel like to know that you have been a part of this attack on a household where parents are killed in front of their children. I like the fact that Bigelow has touched on this conflict and shown that things are not black and white and that the so-called protagonists are not always right. Rating: 8/10

Future cinema's Shawshank Redemption: an interactive experience

Last Saturday I spent the evening in prison. Even paid for the privilege. I probably wouldn't do it again and definitely won't be paying £50 for the experience!

It was all part of Future Cinema's (or Secret Cinema - they seem to be the same but operating under two different names - not sure, bloody confusing) interactive cinematic experience. The idea is you get to experience the movie and not just watch it. In this case the movie was Shawshank Redemption, hence the prison themed evening.

I was a little apprehensive, not knowing what to expect, but this video will give you an idea of what happened.

We were instructed to meet at Bethnal Green library (functioning as a courthouse) where we were ushered into a room, greeted by a sleazy lawyer (Slick Rick I think it was) and sent upstairs for a speedy sentencing (I got eight years for battery). At this point there was a lot of waiting as I guess there are only so many people they can fit on the prison bus. We eventually get told to line up by a verbally abusive prison guard (come to think of it just about everybody we encountered was verbally abusive) and are led, single file with hand on the person in front's shoulder, to the bus. This is vaguely reminiscent of primary school - constantly told to stay in single file and to shut up and stop giggling.

When we arrive at Oakhampton penitentiary, we are are sworn at some more and told to form lines grouped by body size, strip to our long johns/tights and vests and grab a bag of prison fatigues. I lose the rest of my group here and wonder if I will have to endure the rest of the evening on my own. We are then led, barefoot and in our undergarments, through freezing corridors and then through the prison showers (where a naked man was lying on the floor, presumably halfway through a good beating) to our cells.

After being allowed to put on our standard issue prison clothes, which was way too big for me, we were let out of our cells and led out to the prison canteen. Here things get a bit confused for me, as it seemed we were allowed to just wander around pointlessly for a while. At least I found my husband and his friend again, who seemed just as confused as I was. After a few "set pieces" - a rendition of Let Your Hammer Ring, a staged fight in the yard, which I missed, and an inmate uprising, we were again led single file, hands on our heads (there's that school thing again) to the hall where the screening of the movie took place.

The movie was great. The experience? I can't say it was enjoyable (is being incarcerated ever enjoyable?) but it was definitely unique and the actors were incredible and did an excellent job. Perhaps if the theme was different I would've enjoyed it more. Would recommend this if you had a tendency towards masochism. Otherwise just rent the DVD.

Why meh????

I really don't like people being near me.

Partly due to the germophobe in me, and partly because it's just blech! Sometimes people just smell - whether it is BO, that wet towel smell of washing not drying properly, or what I think of as "sick breath".

This is a problem on public transport. Especially during rush hour tubing, so I really have no choice but to sit next to the smelly/coughing/sneezing/filthy/chavvy weirdo on the Northern line.

But on less busy bus routes, I sometimes find a bus that is more than half empty. Hurrah! A place to sit! And to deter someone from sitting next to me, I place my bag on the seat next to me. Of course, being a good would-be citizen, if the bus suddenly became full, I would move my bag onto my lap to make space. I certainly would not choose to sit next to somebody when there are other spaces available where I could have a free seat next to me.

So WHY do people always INSIST on sitting next to me when there are double seats totally free???? WHY? Do I give off some strange pheremone enticing strangers to plonk their buttocks on the seat that my bag is clearly occupying?

I once tried ignoring the woman who wanted the seat next to me by pretending to be engrossed by the song title scrolling across my ipod screen. She steadfastly stood and stared at me until I took notice of her and grudgingly moved my bag. I could have just told her that there are plenty of other seats on the bus and I would feel much better if she just sat somewhere else, but she seemed to have a fixation on the seat next to me. Plus that would be impolite wouldn't it? I mean, would that be socially acceptable? I'm basically telling her to go away, and only sit next to me as a last resort. What is the correct etiquette? And how do I get people to sit far away from me without making myself smell like a tramp?

Django Unchained, The Hobbit, Dredd and The Life of Pi- a few plot summaries

So, here goes an attempt at summarising the plot of a few recently watched movies:

 

Django Unchained

German dentist cum bounty hunter (I love Christoph Waltz!) enlists the help of the slave Django in order to find some bad people and collect his bounty. In the process he gives him his freedom. They shoot a bunch of people - criminals mostly - collect some bounty and then go off to find Django's wife, who incidentally speaks German, and free her from slavery as well. More shooting and blood ensues. Jolly good!

Verdict: Hooray for Tarantino! I loved the clever dialogue and the stylised shoot 'em up scenes. The bad guys are also larger than life, making you almost cheer on their demise. Rating: 9/10

 

The Hobbit

Bilbo Baggins sets out with a bunch of dwarves (and that wiz with the pointy hat) to return them to their home and get rid of the dragon currently inhabiting it. Meets Gollum along the way and pretty much steals his ring. They run away from orcs and goblins.

Verdict: Wow, they really do know how to stretch out a story! Felt quite long, it was past the hour mark before they even set out on their journey. Not much happens here that we haven't already seen in Lord of the Rings, just different characters. You'll be fine to watch this at 2x speed. Rating: 7/10

 

Dredd

This is basically a Dredd version of The Raid but with weird sparkly 'under the influence of drugs' scenes and a telepathic almost-judge. Lots of shooting.

Verdict: The most exciting part of this movie was the opening when I recognised the concrete highway and discovered that it was indeed shot in South Africa (Jhb and Cape Town). Too bad it's such a rubbish movie. Watch The Raid, you'll see what I mean. Rating: 3/10

The Life of Pi

Pi is shipwrecked and floats about in a lifeboat with a tiger named Richard Parker for aaaaages.

Verdict: Despite critics giving this one rave reviews, I got bored after a while. Yes, it was entertaining for a while and there were some humorous and heartfelt moments, but I wanted to shout out for someone to rescue this boy so the movie could end! (Alternatively for him to drown, but since he is narrating the story, clearly this wasn't an option.) Maybe I should've watched it in 3D. Rating: 6/10

In today's Metro

This is a photo taken from today's Metro.

The article is about the riots in Egypt and the photo depicts a young man throwing rocks. The rock in his hand was not the first thing I noticed about this photo.

NOWHERE in the article does it even attempt to explain why this man's jeans are around his knees. That is poor journalism, Metro.

I have come up with a few theories:

1. The most obvious is that young Amenhotep here (I've decided that is a good Egyption name for him - it was, after all the name of a pharoah or two...or maybe three?) decided to follow the trend set by Western youngsters of wearing their trousers halfway down their bums, and it all went a bit wrong.
2. Amenhotep, while reading his favourite newspaper, perhaps the Metro, on the bog (also explains the scarf around his face) suddenly hears a commotion and calls for a riot coming from outside. Never one to miss out on a riot, especially one where you get to throw stones at police AND have a handy deputy pass ammo to you, Amenhotep hurriedly pulls up his underpants, slips his feet into flip flops and rushes outside to hurl rocks, realising too late that he'd forgotten to pull his trousers up too.
3. Nefertari, Amenhotep's mother, accidentally put his jeans in a hot hot wash, shrinking them. Not being able to go out to buy new ones after the curfew imposed by the government, Amenhotep demonstrates his dissatisfaction by wearing the now tiny jeans, which only come up to his knees, and throwing rocks.
4. Egypt is being taken over by a race of sadistic penguins who are making its citizens wear too-small jeans so that they start walking like them. Pretty soon all of Egypt will be waddling around like little flightless birds. Amenhotep casts the first stone in defiance.
5. Amenhotep makes a bet with his younger sister that One Direction would never gain popularity in Egypt. He lost and got to wear her jeans as forfeit. Embarrassed and angry, he starts throwing rocks at the band members. Others start joining in.

 Any more theories are welcome!

Les Miserable

Imagine a world where you had to sing everything you said. This is the world of Tom Hooper's Les Mis. No talking, just singing. Yes, singing singing singing all the way! Watching Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman having a heated conversation in song was just a bit weird, but I must've got used to the song-versations as subsequent scenes felt less awkward for me.


My opinion, in short, is that it is a very well done movie, but do yourself a favour and go see the theatre production. It is miles better.


My biggest problem with this movie was the lack of vocal ability from Jackman and Crowe. Don't get me wrong, they would've been great had they been performing at a karaoke bar, but in a production such as this, they needed to be at a level far superior (take a leaf out of Anne Hathaway's book, gents). While Jackman's acting is superb as Valjean, and every emotion is evident on his face, captured in his close ups, I found his singing surprisingly average (given that he started out on stage - or so I hear - and that he has won lots of praise for his singing in this movie). I found both him and Crowe nasal at times. Crowe, on the other hand, gave the impression that he was playing a part in a movie. (Yes, I know, he was playing a part in a movie, but he's meant to make me believe that he is the guy he's playing, not merely going through the motions.) His singing was even worse than Jackman's, apart from his solo, Stars, which I thought was actually pretty good.


So what does make this a good movie? Solid acting and singing from most of the cast (exceptions already mentioned). Anne Hathaway deserves all the praise she has been getting for her portrayal of Fantine and for her version of I Dreamed a Dream, although I'm not sure Oscars should be handed out for 20 minutes of screen time...


Other stand out performances were from Eddie Redmayne as Marius, Samantha Barks (she of the teeny tiny waist) as Eponine and the little chappie who plays Gavroche (I'm too lazy to look up his name..). A saccharine Amanda Seyfried was passable as Cosette, although she doesn't have a lot to do except to exchange gooey-eyed looks with Marius.


Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were OTT right down to their ridiculous hair and costumes, but I really enjoyed the way the Master of the House sequence was done. How I wish I could thieve like that!


All in all this was a very good movie - as evidenced by all the sniffling women in the cinema afterwards, but if I lived in Tom Hooper's 19th century France, I would keep my mouth firmly shut for fear of bursting into song with every word I said.